I feel guilty and small

I feel awful, in waves. Things are going well and I feel like I'm going to get into trouble. I wake up feeling guilty. Cripplingly guilty, like my very existence is blasphemous to god. I smell bad. I am ugly. My face is fat. My hair is frizzy. My shoulders hurt. I am hungry. I am thirsty. These things are all my fault. It's my fault that I'm too scared (I call myself "stupid" instead) to get up and fix these things, to nurture myself. The downstairs is dirty and I didn't make it that way, but I feel guilty for it. The grime and the flies and the mysterious fridge that has been unplugged for months but no one's touched it remind me of being a small child. Filth reminds me of being little. Carrots remind me of being little. Being hungry and tired reminds me of being little. My stomach hurting reminds me of being little. I don't get nostalgic, I get sick. I think I'm on top of something and then it feels like it falls back on me and I'm suffocating. I keep cutting off my parents but both they and I know I can't keep it up for long. I know that the biggest reason I am attached to them is because I desire their love, or rather the child inside me desires their love and nurturing because the adult I have become would be disgusted if they treated me that way (proof that they aren't really capable of such things, or I wouldn't feel like they were molesting me with them). My mother keeps sending me an "e-card" and the only reason I can think that she keeps sending it to me is that I haven't responded to it and she wants me to for some reason. I feel guilty about this. I changed my email address so that I never have to hear from them and I feel guilty about it. It's all I can think about. It makes me break out in rashes and my back hurts. I don't know how to get rid of the self-loathing and hatred and guilt, guilt, guilt! I walk down the street and am terrified I am going to have my ears boxed, or be raped when I go to the bathroom. I don't get any rest, I wake up with sharp pains. I know it's all in my head and I'm trying to be nice to myself. It feels like it will never go away! It feels like there's no such thing as hope, as a happy or calm life. I feel like everyone else in the world is trying to impress this upon me, with their bad attitudes and meanness. I just want to be happy. I deserve that, right? Why do I feel like I owe my parents anything when all they gave me was incest and pain? It makes me... it makes me so angry!

I checked out a forum related to poisonous pedagogy, with the intent of finding some like-minded people and perhaps an outlet for my grief and panic. But I realised upon finding it that it would probably be full of people who are my parents' age, people with children who are working on themselves and while I find this admirable, I really don't want to talk to them, to interact with them in any way. The idea of talking to people over 30 about what I'm going through sounds like hell. Not that I assume they would be unsupportive. It's just.... my view is different.

I want to talk to other people my age about this sort of thing but I'm afraid of alienating them. Sometimes it's okay, but I don't think my friends understand just how much I am constantly thinking about my childhood and the effects of poisonous parents.... I get embarrassed.

Meanwhile, I'm in a state of constant fear. I'm completely paranoid and .... I can't think of a word other than "schizophrenic." Life is like a boiling pot of bad memories right now.

And still I sympathise with my parents and that makes me really angry because they don't deserve it.