I always get stuck at "because"

Saturday 7/11/09 14:40

Dear Daddy, you always treated me like I thought you were evil slime. It was the opposite. I loved you more than anyone. And it's messing things up, because...because...now I love my husband as much as I loved you. And I can't sleep with him, because it reminds me of you, and how you were never who I thought you were. It's so hard to believe. I can't sometimes. I thought you were good and strong and loved me more than anything but it was lies. that's not even... the words aren't enough. I disassociate and can't say it right. You weren't just a bad example; you'd get drunk and say the most cutting things. When I was alone in the desert of my mother I never blamed you. I kept your letters on my person. I treasured every gift you gave me... it wasn't until I was 13 when I figured out how easy it would have been to save me-- if you had just talked to me-- and I still gave you the benefit of the doubt. I thought, he's busy. He... it was too hard, or something. I couldn't believe you didn't love me as much as I thought. And every time you touched me and I felt gross, like a fever dream in my muladhara, or you said something about my breasts and I'd feel rotten inside with stifled anger, I told myself I only felt this way because-- because of someone else, my mother, later [my mother's friend who molested me], later [a family member who molested me]. These people hurt me too, I think, but it was you who made me feel this way. And then I ran away again and remembered how I learned about sex and your stifled anger and your resentment and how you were ALWAYS a mean drunk, not just after you started taking hormones, and how you were rarely there and whenever I tried to talk about my feelings which I thought was good, you'd corner me and yell at me.
And yet, I'll sit and stare and think about how much I love you and remember all these things-- stories you told me about your reckless youth and I thought you were so cool daddy.
I'm glad you castrated yourself because it was violent and loud enough to shake me out of my defense of you. I can always remember how that felt, thinking you were dead and fainting when you related the graphic details, how you thanked them for me and how you blamed me after, told me you had done it for me and
good riddance.
You're not the daddy from 'a little princess'. He died and you are dead to me now, too, because the man you actually are doesn't deserve to call himself my 'father'.

today, just today

I felt like someone felt it. But I also felt so alone
I just... I couldn't sleep, I was convinced that someone was going to come in and rape me, even though the door was locked. And I felt like there were ghosts all around and demons and they were waiting for me to let my guard down so they could fucking bite me and rip me to shreds, but slowly, so inconcievably slowly.
So I read books, I had to hop from book to book because I was so upset and delirious and I tried to calm down and it just wouldn't work
I guess I finally fell asleep, but I woke up at 8:30 am and even though it was daytime, I felt completely terrified
已寄出 (星期五 ，下午 01:47)
so I read and read and finally mustered up the courage to eat and ate a little and then mustered up the courage to shower and I just felt so hopeless and small and I knew it was because I was little once and everything was awful but it felt like the end of the world and I thought "how can I bear being alone the rest of this week? how can I bear ANOTHER fucking week? how the fuck am I going to be able to work[....]on my own for a week? I'm never gonna get to go home," and then I thought "maybe [my husband] will send me home with the money he made this week," and then I imagined being in [our home country] without him and I felt so desolate and then I felt disgusting for being so codependent but then I thought "love isn't bad, I'm figuring it out" but then I read one of his journal entries about [....] I remembered how he used to be super retarded about his dad [....] and he's not retarded [....] anymore but he's retarded about how he was retarded, he hates talking about it because he feels like if he breaks any modicum of my trust even once he doesn't deserve me, because he was my "兄 ちゃん" and he's supposed to be more honourable than that, and I hate it because I hate how he'll just give up and decide he doesn't deserve me, it makes me sick, and then I thought I hated him for leaving me here, even though I'm the one who sent him and we need this money, to get home, and I thought .... that's a lot of text. haha
eventually I thought "I am being negative because I am hungry and about to bleed, it's okay, it's gonna be okay, just go out and eat." so I went out, and it's so beautiful today, it breaks my heart in a good way,
and I got on the bus, and was feeling much better though still very vulnerable and there was this guy I've seen before, he looks about 17 and his cell phone rang and he talked to the person in english, American english
and I got really excited but it took me 10 minutes to muster up the courage to say anything and I did and I walked him to the MRT and it felt so, so good to talk to someone in person about anything and I felt dumb and big and fat and ugly but I didn't care, and I went to 50Lan for some tea but was upset already, and I didn't know how to tell them "I want something fruity but not passionfruit." I mean, I did tell them that in chinese but they were like "uhhhh crap we don't know english" so they yelled at each other for a while, and then the nice nice boss lady came out and was like, "oh hey sweetie what's up" but in chinese and I was like "hurrr" and they laughed and I brought out my DS and looked up "lemon" (檸檬) and showed them so they made me a lemon tea and then the boss lady gave me a cheatsheet of all their teas in english. so that was nice.
and then I went to the bakery in the basement of trendy ass [mall] and bought some garlic bread, a "french egg sandwich" and a donut. and I've only eaten one tiny garlic bread but I read an email from [oxeye] and one from [kincaid] and I feel better now, but I know once I have to go back up to that awful [house] and be all alone in the dark I'll feel awful again.
and [eglantine]'s stupid phone is dead, and I know they
're probably not dead but what if [amaranth] is? and why do I care so much? why do I feel like my life would be over if he were dead? and I think "he's your husband, aren't you supposed to think things like that?" and then I think "well people who are dependent and don't love themselves super annoy me" and then I think "BUT I DON'T FEEL LOVED I NEED TO FEEL LOVED HE LOVES ME HE'S GONNA DIE" and then I scream and sob and sob and sob.


已寄出 (星期五 ，下午 02:25)
a thunderstorm is coming I think...
maybe I'll bleed when it bursts


I dreamed that there was a yellowed skeleton on my wall, and it was creeping slowly slowly towards me, and as it creeped it grew more flesh. It moved like a spider weaving its web. I watched it for many days and when it finally grew near me....somehow I stopped it. It dropped to the floor, dead. But my stepmother entered my room and fussed and said things like "oh this won't do" and hung it back up, on the door so that it was looking right at me. I watched as its dead papery flesh began to shift and grow once more.