I've decided that since the only people who read this are people I know, and that I use this space to yell at my parents, but I do so ambiguously sometimes (because I often project their perceived intentions onto the general populace), and that I am too afraid to speak lest I hurt someone's feelings, I am going to move locations to a truly anonymous place.

I write this shit online because I imagine that if a younger me found something like this, it would help me discover my own truth, and if I have to suffer every day from the effects of past incest and abuse I may as well help someone with it.  But it's not worth it if people who are in my life perceive that I am yelling at them.

Good luck, and never lose hope.

I still hate being me

You'd think knowing why would help.  And I guess it does, in the long term sort of way, but not right now.  I shouldn't have picked up that trendwhore rag.  I shouldn't have read what you had to say about portland.  because I hate the way you talk and it evokes a smell and it makes me hate myself.  I don't like hating myself.

I hate talking to people, to anyone, because I hear about their lives and their problems and the answers seem so easy to me.  "it's child abuse.  you feel shitty because your mom used to yell at you."  or "your dad left when you were small, so of course you feel like no one will love you.  of course you don't think of it in those terms, because your mom would yell at you when you cried.  so you just think, this depression comes from no where.  and you never find a girl you can love."

usually I keep my mouth shut because I don't want to be one of those presumptuous people, a self-declared guru or shrink, but really it's because I am afraid of the backlash, of the dismissal, of the scorn in their voices.

sometimes I say something and get in a fight.  that's how I lose friends.  (and gain stronger ones)

haha, I cheered myself up.