I mean every part. I've been remembering bits and pieces more and more as I continue to grow up. As I continue to let myself cry, and really feel the things that hide deep in my subconscious.
Last night I felt encased; encroached upon; molested and sick. This is a common feeling for me. There's a heavy stone in my stomach, and my neck and shoulders feel tighter than usual. I feel sexually aroused in a literally nauseating way.
Yesterday was the day my husband and I signed our marriage licence. I had an overwhelming feeling that he was going to leave or die. These feelings are also not uncommon, and I've gotten better at expressing them so I don't act completely insane. As I told my husband my fears of his sudden departure, I tried to remember the first time I had felt this way. I remembered something I hadn't thought of in about 15 years.
When I was little, about 2 or 3, my mom's friend Jill and her toddler Brandon lived in our tiny, trashy apartment with us. I thought Brandon was my brother. Jill killed herself, Brandon's dad came to take him away, and then my mom left us.
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