god is your parents

god, I just ...
for years, maybe my whole life I can't sleep. like, I can, but I can't just fucking lay down and rest when it's time to. I fuss and toss and think horrible things, imagine horrible scenarios of people I love licking me when I don't want them to and my friends dying in horrible ways and horrible horrible horrible.

I am exhausted.

debating cutting off both of my parents, by which I basically mean ignoring them, and it's ....difficult.... because I am afraid. in a book that has been very kind to me, the body never lies, doctor alice miller speaks on... ugh I can't think. my heart is clogged and I can't (breathe) think.

okay.

my mom and dad talk to me. I'm an ocean away now and I feel closer to them than I have in a while. I liked it when I lived in my boyfriend's basement with no phone and no internet so I could feign ignorance of their attempts to contact me. it's not that I am afraid of telling them they're fucked up and wrong and manipulative and cruel. I tell them these things and then I'm afraid, okay maybe I am afraid, because every time I tell them they .... they.... they....fuck. they um, god, fuck, okay, they... what do they do?

my mom... fuck you know what? I can look this up.
she says we should forget the past and make new memories. I have to remind myself that she said this because on cue when I read it I forget. but I don't make new memories, I wallow in old pains.

my dad's face turns sour and he tells me I don't understand and that he tried his best

and all I hear from them is
"you're complaining about nothing. i didn't do anything wrong
i love you."
when they say they love me my clitoris tingles like... it's being electrocuted. it's not pleasant. and my back aches. my shoulders ache. my neck aches. my heart pulses irregularly....
when I read over past emails from them, I feel like there's something wrong with ME and not them. because I can't remember what they did to me right now.

i feel terrible, god