letter to a friend

I remembered , well, I'm not sure if I remember. Something awful, well, some awful things, about my dad, and I don't think I can even say them yet. But I feel stupid and gross and awful and I don't know what to do. It's hard to not .. give up I guess. I'm so sad and I don't feel able to be sad. But I talked to [eglantine] some while we were making lunch and that helped. I think my favourite part about [oxeye] being here so far is that [eglantine] and I have had two intimate conversations. I feel like he's my friend, I guess. but I miss you a lot. today I've been getting hit with intense loathing, it's hard to describe. the feeling I used to get when I was little. it's like being hit with a molested truck. sometimes it's so bad I feel like I'm going to vomit.there was a guy on the bus who made me feel awful, it was hard not to zip up my sweater to hide my breasts. and the way he smelled-- it wasn't like shit, or stale sweat or anything like that-- he smelled like being raped. like he wanted to do that to someone. I got off the bus and then I felt overwhelmingly like I was going to barf.
oingo boingo makes me feel a lot better. I feel kind of distracted and I don't know how to continue. I'm afraid I'm being mean to you by writing this. I wish ... it sounds weird but I wish a girl would hug me. That's. I feel like an asshole for wanting that.