the full moon

so I don't know how I feel.  sad I guess.  I've been having a lot of dreams about my dad.  last night I was happy with him.  but then I was in a baseball field with [amaranth] and [eglantine], and there was a UFO in the sky.  I have been scared of aliens since I was maybe five.  it was bobbing in the sky.  I was terrified that it would see us.  but also strangely exhilarated.  I noted how strange it was to be excited and kept it to myself.  I knew [amaranth] and [eglantine] well enough to know they knew how scared I was.  [amaranth] kept turning into my best friend [fennel].  we watched the UFO disappear and a small biplane replace it, realising that the UFO was attempting to cloak itself.  it turned into seven different planes.  dusk was falling and it was beginning to get very dark.  I asked [eglantine] and [amaranth]/[fennel] to be on each side of me in case aliens came out of the UFO.  they held my hands and led me to the bus station, which was actually an MRT station.  the train/bus came and we got on but I didn't have fare.  (the not fare thing happened three times in my dreams last night; in each dream I would get on a bus but not have any money).

before I fell asleep I remembered my dad coming into our room (we used to share a bed because i was too scared to sleep alone after my mama left) the night I asked what sex was.  I could see him in my room, here and now.  I knew no one was there but I was terrified anyway.  I wasn't able to move my limbs the way I wanted, or talk right.  I could only make moans and grunts though i was trying to say words.  I was terrified.

and then when I fell asleep I had good dreams about him. I can't remember them but I feel a little guilty now.  what if I made all of this up and he really was a good dad?  and then i remember his cutting his balls off and that helps.  so I guess it's a good thing he did that, in a way, because it snaps me out of my dream.