I checked out a forum related to poisonous pedagogy, with the intent of finding some like-minded people and perhaps an outlet for my grief and panic. But I realised upon finding it that it would probably be full of people who are my parents' age, people with children who are working on themselves and while I find this admirable, I really don't want to talk to them, to interact with them in any way. The idea of talking to people over 30 about what I'm going through sounds like hell. Not that I assume they would be unsupportive. It's just.... my view is different.
I want to talk to other people my age about this sort of thing but I'm afraid of alienating them. Sometimes it's okay, but I don't think my friends understand just how much I am constantly thinking about my childhood and the effects of poisonous parents.... I get embarrassed.
Meanwhile, I'm in a state of constant fear. I'm completely paranoid and .... I can't think of a word other than "schizophrenic." Life is like a boiling pot of bad memories right now.
And still I sympathise with my parents and that makes me really angry because they don't deserve it.
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partial amnesiac notes
sometimes I don't remember things. when i do, i write them here. and everything i say is true
content advisory
this blog is for adults only. the content within is honest and as such is subjective and sometimes violent. if you have been abused the content may trigger flashbacks or strong emotions. please be cautious. thank you for reading.
3 comments:
I think about them at least once a day, though probably more that I'm not aware of or forget. And that's on a good day. On a non-good day, it's all I can think and dream about. If I talked about it as much as I thought about it, I don't think I'd ever shut up. If I let myself think about it as much as I actually need to instead of blocking it out with movies and other distractions, I think I'd go crazy with frustration. It seems neverending, because it was the entire first part of my life, and the significance of that isn't lost on me. I get embarrassed around my case manager and my counselor (though less so of course) because it seems that EVERY LITTLE THING leads back to something horrible they did to me. Everything is a trigger, everything has a horrible memory attached to it. I think I just wanted to let you know that you're not the only one.
man... thank you.
It's easier for me to see when I look at you that it's perfectly reasonable.
I'd say more but I'm feverish and can't think
I agree. I feel bad sometimes that I'm constantly thinking how much my family messed me up, like I'm always blaming them and there's a feeling of "I just can't let go of this" about it. I'm terrified of coming off as whiny to my friends and family. But it's a seemingly endless battle. However, I have noticed with age, and as I feel more secure and safe in my surroundings, the feelings are beginning to fade into the background. It's beginning to feel more like the past, and less like the present.
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