I feel profoundly misunderstood. I'm prone to this emotion. Like I'm an alien for dissection. A frog maybe, something for people to take apart and look at so that they understand themselves better.
And the anger. Is it only justified if I stuff it in? Like he does and he does and he does. If I raise my voice I am dismissable; of course. Women are excitable. I am excitable. That means you shouldn't listen to me when I have the words. That means you shouldn't look in my eyes. That means you shouldn't believe I put every careful thought into what I say when I think something you've said is fucked up. That means I don't have compassion for you.
I have so much compassion, it spills over and burns into anger spots on the floor. it bleeds from me. I vomit compassion. I burst with it when I'm home alone and finally cry and cry and cry.
and when I try to explain myself, I see these looks on peoples' faces, like I'm talking about penis infections or an ugly rash or something so gross you just don't want to think about it. They say things like "I think you're just taking this too hard" and I say "you're probably right" because if I get mad then I'm a bitch again. and then no one will listen again. and I'm at best a frog on the table again.
I'm sick of editing every god. damn. thing. I fucking say for people.
I believe in compassion and communication. I try my very best to be kind, to be understanding; to phrase things in a way people will maybe get, to be gentle. To take everyone's situation-- as far as I can understand it-- into account. To be full of love and honesty as I am and have always been at my core.
but sometimes
it just falls flat on its face.
I am a human being just like you and I deserve respect too
and I'm not wrong about the way I feel about you
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2 comments:
It pisses me off that people imply through their actions that you're somehow not allowed to be you you are. I know the face you're talking about, and I freeze up when I see it. I've learned to change what I say based on people's body language. I hate it. I hate not being able to fully express myself simply because I see someone's shoulders tense up. I don't understand what everyone seems to have against conversation and talking things out. Someone telling you that they think you're taking it too hard, whatever IT may be, is presumptuous and rude and a million other things. It's disrespectful; it's telling you that your emotions are somehow not yours to feel, and nothing more than a random emotional flare-up. THAT NEVER FUCKING HAPPENS. THERE IS ALWAYS A REASON. And I think some people can't handle the fact that something they said may have upset someone, so they refuse to take responsibility and put it all on the other person, which is unfair and NONSENSICAL. GOD DAMNIT.
I love you. I hope I have never made you feel this way, but tell me if I have because I want to take responsibility for the things I have said.
<3 yeah dude, i used to feel like i was walking on eggshells around people all the time, even when i was in-what i felt- was my more forthright state. this feeling is almost like suffocation. combined with chilling sense of loneliness. TRUTH IS TRUTH. LOVE IS LOVE. every reaction and emotion in its entirety exist for a reason-not to be stomped on down to the bottom of your gut so it festers for god knows how long. i love you. and i used to feel incredibly embarassed because i have what people have always referred to as "footinmouth syndrome." even when i still felt like a wuss, whatever i was thinking continued to come out my mouth without warning. people actually told me to get a "filter." and i feel thats whats happening to you-only theyre vocalizing it differently in a passive agressive way maybe? theyre sugarcoating the fact that *they* cant handle what youre say-EVEN WHEN IT IS JUST *HONESTY*. i look down on assholes like that, even when they are assholes who i am trying with all my heart to love. i guess eventually its like: "fuck it, im going to say very loudly in this starbucks, without acknowledging whos around me that i wish i were buliemic so i could lose some goddamn weight. fuck who ever hears me if they cant deal with it; its what im feeling." JUST KNOW THAT I LOVE YOU and you are one of the most tendered hearted people ive ever meant in my life. and you deserve to say whats going on in your head and heart and body. whether its rage, heartbreak, or nausea.
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