I hate the pressure

I hate the pressure for trauma survivors to get over it.

Even if someone doesn't say the exact words, "get over it," the implication is EVERYWHERE.   It's there for people who admit that they were abused and those who don't and those who weren't abused.  It is a foundation of our (American) culture.  It is poison and it kills me.

Programs set up to "help" people-- the homeless, the drug addicted, the suicidal, the homicidal, the neurotics and the psychotics-- are set up to "integrate" people.  That means truss us up, drug us up, and send us out into the world to Get a Job.

I have a few things to say about Getting a Job.

First of all!  I am not against supporting my society, but Getting a Job does not do that.  I am sick of people trying to tell me that there are intricate-- INFALLABLE- nuances in economics that mean that whether or not I work at McDonald's dictates the state of the Union, the WORLD.  It doesn't.  Even if our economy were set up that way, there are OTHER WAYS TO SET UP ECONOMIES.  WAYS THAT DON'T UNDERMINE PEOPLES' PSYCHES.  WAYS THAT FEED.  EVERYONE.

The American system is and has been since its inception in the 1600s designed to keep the rich affluent, and the poor either starving or complacent-- because either way, they're not going to take excess money from the rich.  (I am talking about the upper 1% RICH here.  If you think you are included in the Rich Club and you make less than a million a year, I've got news for you-- ya ain't in it.)
I DIGRESS.

I have a full time fucking job and so does every other trauma survivor I know.  That job is healing.  Healing means taking the pieces left from being ripped apart over and over and figuring out where they go, and what glue I need to stick them back together.  Healing means spending most of my time on me and people who matter to me.  Healing means sometimes I have panic attacks so severe I can't leave my house, much less walk.
Healing means no I cannot go get a minimum wage job where I am going to be abused by my coworkers and boss who are so fucked in the head they can't sort their own shit out, and think it's okay to push their vitriolic CRAP on any person who comes within a five-foot radius, ESPECIALLY if they are someone who is working to NOT be a fucking failure leech on humanity because people who are GENUINE really FREAK THEM OUT.

It means No I am not going to subject myself to fifteen panic attacks in an eight hour day so that I can jump through a hoop that was placed there by someone who has no interest in my or anyone's heart and soul.

No I am not going to go to a place every day where I have to deal with being thought of as a lesser human being because I am mixed race, or a woman, or WHATEVER, on TOP of flashbacks of my father humping me as a small child and my mother slapping me so hard I fall to the floor--

NO I am ESPECIALLY not going to take BARELY-TESTED PHARMACUTICAL DRUGS that are shoved down my throat by cruel doctors who just want me to shut up and get out because I am uninsured, who have no interest in bettering the world, who are only interested in their money and their distractions after work, who are only prescribing these drugs because the drug companies who MADE them PAID their companies to do so.

If I need assistance from the government that I pay taxes to, I am not going to be bribed into taking these pills in the off chance that they will numb and dumb me down enough to be a good little worker.

My goal is not to re-integrate myself into the workforce.  My goal is to be an artist and a lover and a mother and a GOOD.  WHOLE.  PERSON.  a loving, compassionate human being who works for the betterment of our whole fucking species.

anyone in my way is there because they are afraid of the work required to get where I am going.  and they can be afraid, that is fine because it doesn't need to affect me.  I can look forward and not wallow by being honest and true and remembering remembering remembering even if it means I can't "function" like you fucking normal, mean spirited, childish people who call yourselves adults.

stop telling me to be someone I'm not.  stop telling my LOVED ONES to be people they're not.  they are kind and good and whole and you are just a hole.  you are jealous and I will never, EVER grow up to be like you.

this post is dedicated to the social workers who look down on us, the psych ward, the therapist who wants us to forgtive and forget, the random people who threaten us, the smirking co-workers who just want us to "look on the bright side"
oh and every person who ever said "but your parents love you"